Nor may you tell me as the raindrops fall…
I know not if the past is washed away
Or else washed clean or only rain is all
In all tonight… don’t tell me either; say
Instead that soon I shall look up and see
The sky is blue and clear, forget the past,
Forget the myriad aches of memory
Untwisted and the pains that last and last
While rain weeps in my heart, undoing strands
I never wound, relentless. Only breathe
Tomorrow shall forget its ancient bands
And let them drift upon the foams of Lethe
As raindrops dint its surface. Promise here
That neither life nor death can forge once more
My bondage; its unraveled shreds appear
More ugly day by day, and I abhor
Their presence, floating on the silent foam.
But still the thing I insist most tonight
Is to be certain that the heaven’s dome
Arcs only over truth. Yet this unwrites
A million memories, and overthrows
A thousand certainties; and so my mind
And heart beat like a storm-tossed bird that grows
So weary it can scarcely fly, half-blind,
Through wind and water; hence, as raindrops strike,
It seeks its respite in the plashing stream
Of Lethe and sees a vision bright, belike,
Of blue skies, gentle breeze. So let me dream.
I wrote this poem very late on Friday night to express my feelings at this time.
As some of you know, two years ago I left a very difficult, abusive situation in which I had lived since birth. It has been quite a struggle to sort through my memories since then. Because there had been ample use of both gaslighting and what can fairly be termed brainwashing, the process has often been overwhelming. At the same time, it is critically necessary in order to move forward on a viable footing.
Over the past four months, in particular, some rather painful facts have become inescapable, and it has been necessary to make adjustments among my memories for the sake of moving ahead with my life. That things are not always what they seem, is a fact we become aware of early. But nothing has prepared me for the task of entirely reassessing things and people that had appeared normal and even good to me at one time.
Not surprisingly, my wish is to simply pass into a time when I can live in a bright today, forgetful of all this painful past because it is no longer an issue. This hope seems like a dream impossible to achieve...
Beautiful poem. I love the Lethe image. Powerful.
I did not know about your past. I guess we met (in The POM?) only last year. Your poems speak of a poet with a strong footing in the now and a desire to enjoy it, drink it in. To me, you seem strong. It's admirable how you are taking on this challenge of reinvention. I'll cheer you on.